Home » General Discussions » General Discussion » OT: Jasper Carrott's NTL Complaint letter
| OT: Jasper Carrott's NTL Complaint letter [message #151981] |
Thu, 28 April 2005 10:04  |
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Dave Mason
Messages: 2357
Registered: April 2004
Location: Shropshire, England
Karma:
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General (2 Stars) |
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A while back I went to see Jasper Carrott's christmas cracker.
One of his jokes was a real life complaint letter which literllay had me in stitches for hours on end.
And here it is after so much searching on the net 
Complaint Letter of the Year. The British do have a way with
words.... A real-life customer complaint letter sent to NTL (to their
complaints dept....)
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Dear Cretins,
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed
up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone.
During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service
which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and
stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific
details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative,
and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so
that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away
the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in
your office:
My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting
in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for
your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful
website....how?
I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly
adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable
modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my
modem arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay
for it.
I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%...
hours between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.
I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut
off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating
Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at
least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also
another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my
frustration's in print than to shout them at your unending hold music.
Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.
I thought BT were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces
of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.
British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant
beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly
limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I
suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and
catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted
initially with hilarity and disbelief quickly be replaced by derision,
and even perhaps bemused rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter
and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I
sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit -
they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel
considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich
aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my
feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.
Have a nice day - may it be the last in your miserable short
life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of
twats.
www.myspace.com/midas
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